Wednesday, February 17, 2010

momentary doubt

today Jada and I had plans with two of my other girlfriends and their babies to have lunch in the food court and then walk the mall. I must admit my mind began to envision this trip starting yesterday afternoon, questions began popping in my head, would I have enough time to take a shower and get myself ready and get her ready, what is her feeding schedule going to be tomorrow, what if she sleeps in, what if what if what if.... you see, Jada has been out with me before on short little trips in and out of places, and she has been wonderful she actually has been in a very deep sleep during these outings, but for some reason, this trip had me questioning weather we were ready or not...

now because we would be mall walking, this meant this would be the first time we would be using the stroller, so what does a mommy who is obsessed with planning and wanting things to go smoothly do? thats right, I went down in the basement and brought the stroller up, making sure that I knew how to open and collapse that sucker like a Pro, you know, I didn't want any embarrassing moments in the slushy filled parking lot. next step, making sure I could snap the car seat in the locked position, once I had that down I decided it would be a good idea to place baby in the seat and then push her around the stroller in the house so she was someone familiar with this new movement.... she had smiles on her face,and looked super content.

I must have pictured a million times over and over, ok I will park my car, pop the truck, pull the stroller out, pop it open, grab the diaper bag and throw that over my shoulder, then grab baby and lock her seat in the stroller and make our way towards the door.

after the stroller run through I made sure I had everything I would be needing in her diaper bag, diapers check, spit up rag check, blanket, passy, nose sucker thingy, change of clothes, hooter hider ( mommies breast feeding shield from the public )but paste, check, check, check, check, check, I had it all. we were ready.

before bed i placed the stroller by back door so I could put in the trunk in the AM.

this Am when I woke up for Jada's first morning feeding my mind quickly began to analyze the rest of her days feeding... ok so if I am feeding her now at 8 am, that means she will eat again at 11 great, this will be right before we go to the mall, so she should be fine, well then 10 rolled around and she was ready to eat again, oh no I thought... now this looks like she is wanting to eat every 2 hrs again today ( must be going through a growth spurt) this means by noon she will be hungry again...

so the rest of my morning until the noon hour was spent wondering how she would be... I was comforted when at 11:30 she had fallen asleep in her swing. 11:50 i got her placed in her car seat, and she looked like she was ready for our little adventure.

the car ride was quiet, I kept looking back in her mirror and she was super content and just looking around and then I came upon grape road...

WAAAAAHAHAHAHAH

wowzers, I mean the girl was going to town, I must admit my palms started sweating, should I send a txt to my girlfriends now and tell them we cant make it, even though I was in teh parking lot??!?!?! yes the thought crossed my mind...


but we didn't, I figured once i got her out of the car and in the stroller, she would be better, ya know a little change of scenery...

so i did the routine that I ran through my head just the day before, got the stroller out first, got the diaper bag then baby and we were headed into the mall...

she was quiet walking up to the mall, but once inside she let it all out once again,
poor sweetie, I'll get you out of the seat...

my heart was going out to her, and thats when my mind was kicking me in the rear end CHELSSIE ELIZABETH you should have stayed home... what in the world are you doing having your little Jada out here at the mall... she's just 5wks old!!!

now we al hear about those over cautious mothers... well thats me, I will go ahead and label myself that right now, germs freak me out to be honest, add that up with me being a new mom and I am a mess... I believe as she gets bigger I will get better at this but for now, she's just so little and counts on me for everything, therefore I feel if I can prevent something from happening at all then by all means I will...


so any how back to the story. I met my girlfriends and had gotten Jada out of her seat, she seemed to like that better as she quieted down, and then after trying to give her her passy I realized it was 12:30 and those tears were probably because she was hungry, and if she was going to be on her 2 hr schedule like she was yesterday, this meant I would be right.

here it was, time to feed her for the first time in public. the food court bathrooms didnt seem to be the right place for this, so we made our way down to the nearest department store ( sears) I placed jada in her seat and headed that way, not even 1/2 way there she was not enjoying this... so I decided i would get her out and hold her the rest of the way there...

trying to steer a stroller and hold a baby who needs neck support still was a bit of a struggle... I could feel the eyes of other people burning on me, I am sure they were thinknig awe what a cute baby but all I could feel they were thinknig was OMG, that mother has no idea what she is doing, and why is that baby out here , she looks so small, way to young to be out at the mall, how selfish that mother must be...bringing such a young baby to the mall.... what a horible mother....


just get to the bathroom just get to the bathroom ( is what my mind kept repeating)

we made it

she ate, and I sat there about ready to cry, thought I would call the hubby I knew he would tell me I was a good mommy and everything was going to be ok... DUN DUN DUN no phone signal in the bathroom. so there I was, sitting in and old hard back chair from 1930's in a public restroom wishing I could click my heals together and be back home in my pj's with my happy baby girl...

I decided after the feeding it would be best for jada and I to head home, my mind began to then run through play by play how I was going to have to get her strapped back in her car seat walk back through the food court out the doors into the cold and put baby, diaper bag and stroller back in the car.

luckily my girlfriends understood and encouraged me that I was brave for trying.

so Jada and I made it back to the car and she fell asleep for our car ride home, I was able to talk to the hubby who did encourage me that I was a great momma and that had she not been fussy during this trip I would not have ever questioned my ability as a mother. he was right... now that I have been home for a few hours I must admit I am feeling much better, as I am in my warm flannel Pj's and baby girl is napping on my chest.... however... we will be steering clear of any mall outings again until she is old enough to ask to go :)


I kid I kid.

I love you Jada bug.

5 comments:

Mo said...

GIRL, just exhale :) You know you're a good mom and you tried! Now you know :) I totally feel you on the germ part...she was in your arms the whole time, but even still I didn't want to take colt anywhere. I swear I didn't go anywhere for months. I still try not to take Colt places...it's just easier sometimes. ha.

xoxo.

Allison said...

Chels your a great mommy! And we all have to learn the ropes of being a mommy. I remember asking myself many of times "what am I doing, "how do i do this" ect" I would often call my mom for advice ..honestly I still do :) Just remember you are doing everything right and Jada is gorgeous and happy!!

kaleytaylor said...

You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're a great mom, and as I said earlier there are times when things to unlike we expect and then you just gotta go with the flow! Plus, you never know what works or doesn't work unless you try!

Ash said...

we should've practiced with our stroller as when we 1st used it we had NEW PARENTS written all over us. It was quite comical. Chels you're a good mommy!!! Jada is lucky to have you as her mommy.

From Marriage to Motherhood said...

I'm looking forward to Ilah's first stroll through the mall : ) But I'm waiting until after her 2month immuization shots...even then, I likely won't take her out for another month. I'm fearful about exposing her to large environments, with lots of people, and the potential of her catching something. I want to give her little immune system even more time to develop. Our pediatrician advised us not to even take her to church until she had her shots {so she's been staying with my mom and we go without her}. I just can't wait until she's bigger and I can take her out without as much worry as I do now. It seems that the smaller they are, the more consious you are of shielding them from any virus that may be out there! All my girlfriends say wait until child #2 comes along...you'll take things less seriously! : )